…and he wonders why there’s a problem…

So I’m working from home in my office. I can hear Jessi crying over on the stairs, from what I could hear I think the baby gate whacked her while she was going through it or something? Or maybe she stubbed a toe on the stairs?? IDK. Not the important part. It was pretty clear she had hurt herself somehow.

I did hear Greg initially check on her to see if she was OK but didn’t really comfort her. A minute or two later this conversation transpired:

Greg: Why are you crying?!!

Jessi: I’m not going to tell you

Greg: Then go upstairs then!! Or come sit on the couch! I don’t care as long as you stop crying!!

No asking why she wouldn’t tell him. No attempt to comfort her. No attempt to talk her down. Nothing. I mean he wasn’t full on yelling, but his frustration was clear. And I know he had a headache…but that’s still not how you handle the situation.

When you let your frustration, headache, or other struggles stop you from connecting with your kid when they need your support and understanding, of course they’re going to be on guard and a bit uncooperative around you. I understand that it’s hard and it’s not always possible to contain whatever your struggle is, but you have to do that most of the time and then apologize the few times that you don’t.

When kids are hurt, vulnerable, or upset…they need compassion, comfort, and calm from us to help them balance and learn self regulate. They need our support and comfort to feel anchored, connected, and respected. Each time they don’t get that, that connection and relationship you’re trying to build is broken down a little bit.

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VRS Interpreters

Yet again today a VRS (video relay service) interpreter botched a call with my MIL. This happens more often than not. Often in small ways that aren’t particularly problematic. But more than a few times, they have botched more significant details. Today’s substantial interpreting mistake? My MIL was calling me to say she was sick with diarrhea and cannot watch the girls. But I only figured that out after a few texts with my SIL. Because, you see, the interpreter said that MIL wasn’t feeling well after surgery and needed to rest. My only assumption is that the interpreter somehow confused “diarrhea” and “surgery”…which, for those of you unfamiliar, are not particularly similar at all (only same motion, different handshapes).

The only reason I was pretty sure that the interpreter was incorrect is because we are in very regular contact with my MIL and SIL since they help watch the girls. So I was pretty sure that MIL hadn’t had any surgery I hadn’t heard about. If she was not someone who I was in regular contact with, I’d have had no idea about the misinterpretation.

As I said, this isn’t the first time this has happened. It has happened in other calls with my MIL. It has also happened in a call for Jessi’s IEP meeting…with 2 different interpreters. The first interpreter was making so many mistakes, that we had to ask for a new one. Thankfully, I had a direct video line to the Deaf woman who was helping us out as our advocate so that I could tell that the interpreter was incorrectly interpreting what our advocate was saying.

Don’t get me wrong…I get it. Interpreting is a tough job. No one will be 100%. (It’s one of the main reasons I have no desire to get into the field.) And it’s made even harder as a video interpreter who doesn’t have as much context as an in-person interpreter might. So I understand some degree of minor mistakes. But when the mistakes are so numerous as they were for Jessi’s IEP meeting or so serious so as to confuse diarrhea and surgery…come on!!

VRS companies need to be hiring better quality interpreters. Deaf callers deserve better quality access in their phone calls, personal and professional.

Hearing people talking to Deaf people through VRS, keep this in mind. Here’s 3 major tips:

  1. Make sure you confirm important information, especially if something sounds weird…just to make sure interpreters aren’t misinterpreting things. I have caught numerous errors by repeating back details of the conversation to confirm (ex: “ok, so I’ll pick the girls up at 4 at your house?”) or even straight up asking if something was interpreted right.
  2. If you’re about to begin on a more involved or more important conversation than simple social calls, you may find it highly beneficial to give a quick summary of context or backstory for the interpreter. Just so they know. Having some idea of the context will definitely improve your chances for a more accurate interpretation.
  3. If you get a particularly awful interpreter, one who makes more than minor understandable mistakes, please make a complaint about them to their VRS company. It’ll only change if the companies get complaints.

Card of the Day: The World, followed by The World reversed

Yup, that’s right, I got the same card back to back 2 days in a row. Two days ago, my tarot card of the day was The World. Yesterday it was The World Reversed.

Typically it’s considered a happy card signifying achievement of success, culmination of events coming to a (usually positive) conclusion. Generally, it’s a pretty good card to get in a reading. To be honest, I have NO IDEA how it relates to my day 2 days ago…that day was awful. Though the reversed card yesterday makes more sense. Reversed cards for me have tended to be a version of the card flipping its meaning on its head and giving it the middle finger so to speak.

The last two days have been, quite bluntly, shitty. Sammy and I both have colds. MIL couldn’t watch the kids because she’s sick too. So I was on my first days back from vacation spending the afternoons trying to double up adding parenting on top of trying to work. Which worked about as well as you can imagine. Very little work got done.

First Sammy wouldn’t go down for a second nap despite taking an early one that morning and clearly being tired…both days. I know she’s pretty much past the 2 nap kind of days, but damn, she needed it.

Then Jessi’s school misinterpreted my call about Jessi coming home instead of grammy’s and thought I was going there to pick her up, when I really just wanted the bus to drop her off at home instead of Grammy’s. So after waiting for the bus, which was later than usual, I also had to rush over to the school to get her late as she’s standing there waiting with her teacher. :/

The afternoon was filled with a bunch of parental guilt of splitting my attention between kids and work and fail at both in the process.

Dinner and bedtime were pretty much a shitshow. Sammy hasn’t gone to bed before 9:30 since we got back from vacation. Last night, I tried for 3 hrs before Greg got home and took over…and of course she then was out less than 20 min later.

 

No FB – Days 2 and 3

[note: typed earlier as the subject title indicates, but posting majorly delayed. I blame holidays and vacation chaos.]

Classic me, I make a plan to try to post daily, and immediately skip a day.  Life takes over even the best intentions.

Yesterday afternoon ended up being taken up with a grocery trip, dinner, having Jessi make cards for teachers, wrapping teacher gifts, and making reindeer noses (see below) for Jessi’s school party today. Because, in classic busy parent fashion, there’s nothing like waiting till the last minute.

A tray of small pretzels, each with a slightly melted rolo on top, and a red m&m on top of the rolo.
Reindeer Noses

After getting the kids to bed, it took me most of the night to finish up my work. But now I’m FREE!! No work for 2 weeks. It’ll be amazing!

As far as the tarot card for the day, Lovers, I honestly have no idea what it was referencing. Hardly interacted with my husband that day. I did have a crush on my mind and talked with a friend about it a little, but that was something pre-existing and the conversation already in motion before drawing the card. So who knows. Love for my children? Love for the holiday? Not typically what I associate with the Lovers card.

Today has been packing and trip prep. I was doing good until I sat down at my computer to check my to-do list…then total ADHD rabbit hole…

  • Update my to-do list.
  • Check if book my husband was looking for was available on library’s e-book lists (it is).
  • Message my mom about something.
  • Remember my list. Go back and finish checking off things that are done.
  • Add a few things.
  • Remember that we won’t have wi-fi on the plane and start thinking of prep we need to do for that.
  • I decided to make sure my Google Drive files were set to be available for offline access.
  • They weren’t.
  • Get to the bottom of setting that up.
  • Double check that it’s working right.
  • Realize that my old Book of Shadows file that I just imported from my old computer is still in Word doc format. I want to use that for a ritual today and know it needs updating. Spend an hour fixing the formatting because damn…whatever I did before (I haven’t used the file in several years) looks like crap!
  • Remember that I hadn’t posted yesterday and needed to pull a card for today and post for today.

LOL…ADHD vortex sucked me in…

As for the whole no FB aspect of things. I do think it helped me yesterday. I was the most productive and focused for work as I have been in ages…which isn’t saying a whole lot, but I’m still happy at the improvement. I also think the anti-anxiety med I’m on (Buspar) might also be starting to kick in to help. (Probably should have waited until the meds had had their full chance to kick in before cutting FB to have a better idea of which thing helped…but oh well.)

The one thing that sucked about staying off FB yesterday was finding out that a friend had her baby. I did make a quick exception to log in and see a pic and say a quick congrats, but I wanted to lurk around to see more updates. They’re a couple who posts a lot and I’m sure there’d be updates. I’m having a hard time not logging back in to see more.

Today I’ve found it an annoyance to stay off FB. Wanting to hop on to ask questions of FB about this, that, or the other thing. Wanting to see political updates of friends as we hear how Trump is going on about how a shutdown would be a long one. Which is probably better for my productivity overall, but annoying nonetheless because I want to hear about these things.

So with that said…today’s card is… [I never did that drawing]

No FB – Day 1

Person typing on macbook keyboard. Only forearms and hands of the person are visible. Person has big watch with a small ring on one hand and a bunch of small bracelets and a thick ring on the other.

Staying off FB was HARD yesterday. This morning has been hard too but for a different reason. Yesterday, it was hard because of what I described last time how I use it as my escape from work anxiety.

Last night and this morning it was hard because I use it to share the cute silly little things my kids do (like how they thought it was absolute hilarity when we were kicking the dog’s ball back and forth like a soccer ball or when Sammy started having her lovie “blow raspberries” on my belly) and my little victories in life (I finished wrapping all of this year’s presents!!). It feels weird to have no one besides my husband to share those things with. Like am I really going to text a friend to share these random things? Like sure, maybe they might come up in the middle of a conversation, but to say that out of the blue? That’s weird. Plus, then it creates an expectation of a longer conversation which isn’t what I want to do. Beyond that, who do I send it to? I’m not going to send it to all the people who might have “liked” something like if I had posted it on FB…especially because not all of them are close friends. That’s just weird, even if I just send it to my few closer friends who’d like it. Still weird to do it out of the blue. So the cute moment goes by unremarked on. To be lost over time. Because without FB’s “on this day” feature bringing up old memories, those little moments get lost in our memories. I like sharing those moments with friends in hopes of giving them a cute/relatable story that might brighten their day. I also already miss seeing those cute/relatable moments from friends as well for the same reason. I imagine this is going to make the whole parenting gig seem a lot lonelier.

The other thing I’m missing already are the political/news posts that a small handful of FB friends share. Not the ones who post the sensational nonsense, those I don’t miss. But the 5ish friends who post real links, often with thoughtful commentary. THOSE posts I miss. The posts that help me keep up to date on the things that are happening. The posts whose perspectives help me form my own perspective. These friends post things that get me thinking about the news in ways I might otherwise not. Especially one FB friend who is a journalist (doesn’t cover politics himself, but has good insight) and another one who is a person I met through Occupy who always pushes me to grow in my thinking around subjects. For example, I heard about the “sweeping” criminal reform bill the Senate passed, but when I went to find an article about it, there wasn’t much detail mentioned about the contents of the bill. I know at least one of these people would have had a good article to share. What this is going to mean is that I’m going to spend more time watching the news again…which had been really contributing to my stress before I cut back.

So, at least so far, I’m not impressed. At all. I realize the first few days are the hardest, but uugh…I really don’t see how this is going to help me.

To attempt to replace some of the more positive things I get out of FB, I’m going to try to make either daily, or every couple of day, posts here about cute family stuff that has been going on or other things I don’t want to forget.

I’m also going to take advantage of a little bit of the time I won’t be on FB to do a daily tarot card drawing. Each post, I’ll list today’s card and include a reflection on the previous day(s) card.

Today’s card: The Lovers

FB Hiatus – Will it help?

A base of scrabble tiles upside down. On top of that base, are a few tiles face up that spell out "anxiety".

I’ve been struggling HARD CORE at work lately. Crippling anxiety that prevents me from getting much done on any given day. My most substantial way of escaping my anxiety is switching to looking at FB. I escape because I haven’t found an effective way to actually deal with the anxiety and work through it. The only thing that “works” is to avoid it until I can work up to confronting it…which obviously isn’t actually a practical solution.

So my therapist has strongly encouraged me to take a break from FB for at least a month. This honestly feels like an impossible task…which I recognize is probably a sign that there is a problem there. But it is my core social connection as well as news source and access point for various support groups. Yes, I spend too much time on it, but I fear that without it I’ll lose what little connection I have to people and/or that I’ll miss details about various political developments as well as the information I gather from the various support groups. But I’m going to give it a try. Because SOMETHING has to give. I’m in an unsustainable situation right now (substantial job hunting will also be beginning after the holidays).

I’m already having a hard time with my anxiety and I’ve only been off it for a couple of hours. I don’t know how to handle my anxiety without FB as an escape. Gah!! There will likely be a lot more posts here over the next month as an attempt to deal.

I’ve been trying to address my anxiety and distractibility with my prescriber for months now without finding the right solution. I’m getting extremely frustrated with this. It took me a while to convince her of the degree to which it’s an issue. Then we’ve had to try multiple things…which of course is a time consuming process since you have to try something out for a few weeks to know for sure if it’s going to work or not. I really want to find a solution on that front too. I know meds don’t solve everything, but I haven’t been able to resolve this on my own and I’ve tried a number of different things and none of them hardly make a dent in it.

The way this medication process has dragged on is making work particularly difficult to navigate. I’m sure to them it looks like I’m not taking steps to improve things. But it’s not for a lack of trying. It’s just that you can’t guarantee that you’ll get the right meds right away. Uugh…

Me trying to will myself to stay focused on my work…

Titled "Panic". Person crying, flushed face, with a frowny face heart saying "I need to get out of here!". Other labels on the image: hyper-ventilating, heart goin' crazy, can't breathe, sweaty palms.
Source also contains a number of other good anxiety related comics.

 

Also…

The first 60 seconds of a panic attack.
Source: http://www.ruwhim.com/?p=48718 Excuse the spelling error, not mine.

Magick: Is it Real? Does it work?

Generally speaking, I feel like it depends on how you define magick. What you see in Hollywood, that doesn’t exist. But I do think real magick does exist.

To me, magick is more akin to prayers. It’s about focusing on what you hope will happen and trying to make it manifest. Pagans tend to use more tools than Christians in doing so. We also tend to believe more in these things being under our control while Christians see these things being more under God’s control.

I haven’t cast a whole lot of spells. I’ll sometimes do little things here and there when people request prayers, but they’re basically just informally sending good vibes/energies (which means more in a magickal sense than they do in a mundane sense). But classic spells in the sense that come to mind when people think of spellwork…those have been few and far between.

But my most important ones? They’ve worked.

We’ve had issues with infertility. With our youngest, I didn’t want to do fertility treatments again. We had been trying nearly a year. I was losing hope that we’d ever get pregnant on our own. Then the night of the super moon we had back in November 2016, my family went out to check out the moon. As we were standing there staring at it, I made a plea to the goddess and made up my own spell on the spot. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I get a positive pregnancy test just before Christmas. And 9 months later, she was born.

Now about 2 weeks ago, I cast a spell for good financial luck and to help me find a new job that’s a better fit. Again, it was a spell made up on the spot from the heart. Then today a online acquaintance reaches out to me with a potentially amazing job opportunity. Like possible dream job type of opportunity. It’s the first time I’ve ever had someone try to recruit me like this. It feels good! There’s still details to discuss, but overall, I’m really hopeful that this will work out.

For both of these things, the timing is just too spot on for it to be coincidence. I do think at times spells and magick can make a difference when you work from the heart and out of sincere need.

Of course I’m not foolish enough to think it’s a full proof system. I know the world doesn’t always work out the way we might want it to. But I do think that sometimes you can directly make a difference in how things work out.

Here’s hoping that this job leads turns out to be as promising as it seems.